


Absolute Zero

by mylittlecthulhu (marineko)



Series: Red Shift [17]
Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 08:18:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15859791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marineko/pseuds/mylittlecthulhu
Summary: Absolute Zero: The temperature at which the motion of all atoms and molecules stops and no heat is given off. // In which we see things from Sho's point of view.





	Absolute Zero

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arashic0804](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=arashic0804).



_I don’t think I can take this anymore, Sho._

The words echoed in his head, again and again, playing over the scenes he was reliving in his head, trying to pinpoint the exact moment things might have gone wrong, things he could have done, should have done, to change the outcome of that day.

The first time he met Aiba, peering at him over Nino.

})i({

_Nino was a funny guy._

_He had been the first person to reach out to Sho, and that alone made Sho wonder about him. But then there was the way he was different, at school and at home. At school, Nino didn’t care about what anyone thought, which was one of the reasons he had befriended Sho. But at home, it was almost as if he didn’t anyone to know about them. He kept looking out his window, like he was expecting to see someone._

_Sho thought of asking Nino about it when there was a knock on the door._

_Putting his guitar aside, Nino looked annoyed as he said, “hold on,” and went to answer it._

_He waited for a moment, but when he heard the whine in Nino’s tone go up a pitch Sho decided to see what was going on. He stepped up behind Nino to see a person flashing a wide, hopeful puppy expression at Nino. The look disappeared as he noticed Sho, and was quickly replaced by confusion._

_“It’s a boy,” the boy said, and hearing his voice, Sho looked at him more carefully, and realised that the person talking to Nino, too, was a boy._

})i({

Nino was the reason it all began, and sometimes Sho wondered whether he was grateful or if he wished that they had never been friends. There was a lot missing from his life, before he met Nino, but he didn’t think he’d miss things he never knew.

He would have been a different person, but for Nino.

})i({

_“Kiss me again, before you leave?”_

_Even as he reached out for Aiba, Sho thought about the other boy’s request to keep things a secret from Nino. It seemed wrong, somehow. Meeting Nino was the best thing that could have happened to him. Because of Nino, he found his love for music again. Because of Nino, he was able to meet Aiba._

_Aiba threw him off-balance, made him question everything he’d previously taken for granted. They were barely even friends as it was, but in that moment he would have given everything up for Aiba. As his fingers dug in, pulling Aiba even closer, Sho’s earlier thoughts repeated itself in his head._

_He wanted this, for the rest of his life._

})i({

Maybe rather than putting it on Nino, he should never have let things between him and Aiba progress into something more than friendship.

Everything had always been his fault, anyway. Even from the beginning, he could already think of a million things he could have done differently.

})i({

_He had always loved Aiba - at least, that was how it felt like. But because it came so naturally, he never had to think about it. It was enough that they had each other, and their friends, and their band. It was enough that Aiba made him laugh, that Aiba challenged him, that Aiba gave him something to work for._

_The future wouldn’t be easy for either of them, if they remained the way they were. Even though he was still in high school, he understood that much._

_That night, though, it was as if the realisation just exploded its way into his heart, and he felt giddy and heavy and restless and high at the same time, thinking,_ I am so in love _._

_Something had to be done, he thought._

_“Aiba.”_

_“Hmm?” Aiba’s reply was automatic, as the bassist climbed higher on the railing, not even looking at him. “What is it?”_

_“I -”_

_When the raucous laughter sounded from the street behind them, Sho’s heart stopped for a moment, seeing Aiba flail, startled, before climbing down. He swallowed, pushing away the desire to scold Aiba for not being more careful, knowing that it would only irritate the bassist, and make him be even more reckless._

_Perhaps it was good that they were interrupted, Sho thought. Words like “love” - these words were promises, and Sho didn’t like the thought of making promises he wasn’t sure he could keep. Their futures were still uncertain. RedShift had the potential of becoming much more, but at the same time it could end up going nowhere. Sho’s parents were already pressuring him about his college choices, and future plans, and he knew that it was very likely that they’d disown him if he didn’t do as they said._

_They still had time, Sho reminded himself. There was still another year of high school left. He had time to think things through, to find a way to get out the chains binding him to his family. And then, when he was free to make his own decisions, he would be able to make promises to Aiba, and keep them._

_As the loud women disappeared from sight, Aiba turned to him. “You were saying?”_

_“Come on,” Sho said. “We need to get to Warehouse at least fifteen minutes before we’re supposed to go on.”_

})i({

For years, the memory of that night haunted Sho. He wondered what would have happened if he had told Aiba how he felt. It would have been irresponsible, and it would lead to so much more potential heartbreak. He definitely would not have been where he was now, because he knew that if he had told Aiba how he felt, he would never have been able to leave in the following years.

})i({

_Sho had thought of a lot of things, had tried to think of many different ways in which he might be able to keep Aiba without sacrificing himself in the process. He knew that Aiba wasn’t happy. Aiba hated that he was leaving, and Aiba hated that he was starting a career that didn’t have anything to do with RedShift. Aiba hated that he left the band, and Aiba hated that alone, he was able to go further than the band had ever done._

_He had been away more often than not, because he had been to meetings and studio sessions, trying to cement his debut as a singer. He knew that Aiba resented every second that they spent apart._

_Still, he couldn’t let go._

_He was surprised to find Yuusuke waiting in the main lobby of Voyager’s main entrance. Sho excused himself from Yamanaka-san, the producer he had just met that day, and rushed towards the younger boy._

_“Yuu-chan. What’s wrong? Did anything happen?”_

_If anything had happened to Aiba when he wasn’t there... but Aiba’s brother just stood up, and looked at Sho in the eyes. Like Aiba, he was the kind of kid who smiled a lot, and didn’t take life too seriously. But his expression was grim, and part of Sho felt like shutting him out, not listening to what he had come to say._

_“Sho-kun,” Yuusuke said. “Do you love my brother?”_

_He didn’t have an answer to that. He wanted to say,_ of course I do. Any idiot would know that. _However, he didn’t think it was the answer Yuusuke was looking for. They hadn’t even told anyone outside of their small circle of friends, although Sho suspected Aiba had probably mentioned something about their relationship to his brother._

_Before he found an answer that would satisfy the younger boy, Yuusuke said, “Because if you love him at all, you’ll stay away from him.”_

})i({

He remembered the nights spent painfully deliberating Yuusuke’s words, and realising the truth of it. If he tried to juggle his career, his family, and Aiba, he might end up losing everything. He would never be able to take care of Aiba the way things were.

Even now, years later, he knew this. But time seemed to colour things differently, and when he looked back, he wondered what would have happened if he had tried harder. 

But somehow, he would rather spend the rest of his life wondering if he shouldn’t have left Aiba, than spending it wondering if he should. He didn’t want there to ever be a day when he’d look at Aiba and see a burden rather than someone to be treasured, and because he was scared it might happen, he had decided to let go.

_Oh, and you know what? Jun, who helped you with that dinner? I dated him for almost a year while you were playing pop star._

Sho didn’t know why the knowledge burned inside him, distorting his memories of Aiba. He’d seen the way Jun sometimes looked at Aiba; he had guessed that there was something in their past, although he never worried because he’d thought that Aiba would have told him if it was serious. He expected Aiba to have a life after he left; it would be stupid to think otherwise.

})i({

_“Sho, how come you never write any love songs?”_

_“What do you mean?” Sho asked in reply to Michiyo’s question. Midterms had just ended, and she was already going everywhere with her camera. Now, she was hunched in a corner of his bed, going through the pictures she had uploaded into her laptop. Her camera was still in one hand; while one hand was on the mouse, clicking away, the other took random shots of him when she felt like it. “Almost all the songs that would be in my new album are love songs.”_

_“Sad songs don’t count,” she murmured, but she let the subject drop. Bringing the camera up to her face, her other hand went up to it, playing with the focus. “One day you’re going to be famous, and I’ll sell all these photos of you looking absolutely uncool.”_

_Sho made faces as she took more photos, laughing as she did so. Soon she was back on her laptop, absorbed in her work, so Sho turned to his papers and continued with his._

_She was right, he thought, staring at the lyrics of the new song he was working on. Rather than ‘love’, the overall theme of his debut would probably be ‘loss.’ He hadn’t even consciously thought of things that way, or chose to write about the things he did, but when he put everything together in front of him, he couldn’t deny it._

_It had been almost a year, but he still hadn’t gotten over losing Aiba._

})i({

Even though there had been no reason to continue working hard any longer, Sho kept on at his solo career, until he became one of the biggest names in the entertainment industry. The victory was an empty one - when he first decided that music was going to be his life, he always thought that Aiba would be by his side when it happened. He still didn’t know if he regretted leaving Aiba, though, because he knew that just that one thing would change so much of what he had now. He hadn’t even thought that they might get back together - he had hoped, but he had done so thinking that it was an impossibility. The fact that Aiba might still feel the same way, that Aiba might forgive him, was something Sho never thought could happen.

Michiyo never did sell any of the photographs she took of him, even though he told her he wouldn’t mind if she did. When they finally decided to break up, she gave all of them back to him, a lot of which were actually used when his first photo book was released. They commissioned her to take more photos for the photo book. Of the old photos, she kept only a few of her favourites.

})i({

_“So that one day I could show them to my grandchildren and say, ‘I used to have a famous best friend,’” she said, eyes twinkling up at him. For a brief moment, her expression reminded him of Aiba, and a pang went through him._

_“You’ll still have me as a friend even then, I hope,” he said. “Although I might be a has-been that no one remembered, or cared about, so you no longer have bragging rights.”_

_“Oh, please,” she said, laughing. “You’re only just starting. You’re going to get really big in the future, mark my words.”_

_He just smiled, acknowledging her words without agreeing or disagreeing with her. He didn’t know what the future would bring, and sometimes he wondered if he really cared. The two of them were standing side by side at the balcony, looking down. He was feeling a little queasy from the height, but tolerated it while wondering why did he let his manager bully him into buying a place so high up._

_“Hey, Sho?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“The person you were in love with, before we started dating. You never really forgot about him, did you?”_

_He took his eyes off the view then, to look at her. “Why do you say _him_?” he asked, as neutrally as he could._

_“You’re not the first person I’ve been with who ended up being in love with another guy.” She wrinkled her nose, and said with a hint of amusement in her voice, “must be something wrong with me.”_

_“I’m sorry, it’s really not you -”_

_She laughed, loudly, taking him by surprise. “Don’t be so flustered and guilty about it.” She reached out, and took his hand in hers. “I enjoyed being with you, whatever it is.”_

_“I enjoyed being with you, too.”_

_“I know. But we’re both in love with someone else. Life is weird that way, isn’t it?”_

_“I suppose.”_

_The two of them stared at the city lights. The red blinking lights on the taller buildings seemed almost hypnotic, and Sho could hear a tune starting in his head, something that encompasses everything he was feeling at the moment. The beauty of the scenery they were looking at. The affection they had for each other, the useless love and longing they had for someone that could never be theirs. A typical love song, in the city he lived in, he thought. He hoped that he would remember it later, and turn it into a real song._

_“You know,” she said, after a long silence, “I’ve always thought that it was Ninomiya that you loved.”_

_It was Sho’s turn to laugh. “Nino. I can’t even imagine that one. No, I don’t _want_ to imagine it...”_

_“It’s Aiba-kun, then, isn’t it?” She asked, and his laughter immediately disappeared. She had met Aiba a couple of times, towards the end of his RedShift days. She was always going to their shows back then, and even hung out with all of them once._

_“Yes,” he murmured. “It was Aiba.”_

_It had always been Aiba, he thought. And after a year of being with Michiyo, and still unable to forget, he knew that it probably would always be Aiba._

})i({

It was starting to get dark, he realised. If he didn’t get up to switch on the lights, it would soon be too dark to make out much. He didn’t care. Nothing really mattered, he supposed.

It had always been about Aiba, in the end. He had known this, even if Aiba didn’t.

})i({

_“Aiba-kun! Aiba-kun!” Michiyo was calling, but Aiba was already leaving the small restaurant, and didn’t look back as he hurried away. Sho just stared after him, mystified by his reaction, even though he hadn’t caught a word of what Aiba said previously. He was too busy listening to the beat of his own heart, and berating himself for reacting like a teenager with a crush._

_“Sho!” Michiyo sounded annoyed, and when he looked up, he saw that she looked just as exasperated. “Aren’t you going to go after him?”_

_He blinked. “Eh?”_

_“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” Before he could answer, she rushed on, “because I won’t believe you even if you say otherwise. You’re still writing about him in all your songs.”_

_Sho smiled, but while he meant to show that he was fine, all it did was indicate the bitterness he felt. “I’m not going to mess up his life again.” From the way Aiba acted around him at the studio, and the things Aiba had told him, it was pretty clear that Aiba had moved on._

})i({

He looked down at the magazine that was still in his hands, that announced that he was getting married to Michiyo. His manager wouldn’t be too happy about that one. He couldn’t bring himself to care much about that, either.

He thought about the explanations that would have to be done, that she was just a friend, that he wasn’t really getting married. He thought about the apologies that would have to made to Michiyo, her parents, her future in-laws, her fiance. He thought about going into the studio tomorrow where Nino was bound to crack a few jokes about the whole thing, where Ohno would be shooting him sympathetic looks and “it’s all going to be okay” pats on the back, where he would have to face Aiba and Jun and their past and not know what to say or do.

})i({

_Aiba was in a rare, affectionate mood. Even though Aiba was always the first to initiate contact once, things had somehow changed between them. Sho didn’t know if it was because Aiba was still cautious after their break up all those years ago, or if he had just grown up and was a different person. He was still the same bright person, the kind of person Sho thought of like a sun, the way he shone and warmed everyone around him. But he was also more reticent than he used to be. Sometimes Sho would notice Aiba staring into space, or looking pensively out the window, in deep thought. Whenever he asked about it, the answer would always be “nothing”, and then Aiba’s smile would reappear. And he never reached for Sho’s hand, or tried to hold Sho in public, the way he used to do._

_That day, though, Aiba was leaning comfortably against Sho, smiling contentedly as his eyes closed, and Sho’s fingers ran absently through his hair. Of course, there was no one else in the green room at the moment, but Sho was so used to Aiba putting a small, almost invisible distance between them whenever they were at work that this moment was something he knew he would treasure._

_“Aiba,” he said._

_“Mmm?” Aiba sounded like he was going to fall asleep at any second._

_“We’re going to have to go in the studio in half-an-hour. You can’t sleep now.”_

_“Just a nap,” Aiba murmured. “A short one. ‘Kay? Anyway, what were you going to say?”_

_“Nothing. I love you.”_

_In his half-asleep state, Aiba smiled. “I think you said that already.”_

_As Aiba drifted off to sleep, Sho’s fingers slowly drew away from Aiba, uneasy. Aiba loved him. He knew this. At least, he thought he knew it. But lately the thought that Aiba might not actually feel about him the way he used to had taken root, and was growing stronger with each day._

_If Aiba still loved him, then he would say it... wouldn’t he?_

})i({

Maybe they really weren’t meant to be. Or maybe it was all his fault, because he always spoiled everything he ever held dear.

Either way, it was finally over. The long, dramatic story of the love of his life. He laughed to himself, even as he thought it. It even _sounded_ melodramatic. No wonder Aiba left him. No wonder Aiba couldn’t love him back. 

_Oh, and you know what? Jun, who helped you with that dinner? I dated him for almost a year while you were playing pop star._

Aiba _had_ moved on, once. It was him who wasn’t able to let go. Despite saying that he didn’t want to mess up Aiba’s life again, in the end it was him who had practically begged Aiba to take him back. Yet another mistake to chalk up to the millions he’d made where Aiba’s concerned. 

The sound that had been ringing on and off finally caught his attention, and he looked blankly at his blinking phone. Then, hesitantly, he picked it up.

“It’s Sakurai,” he mumbled as he pressed the receive button.

“Sho? How was things? You didn’t burn down anything, did you? You said that you’d call after you’re done and you didn’t...”

“Jun.” He took a deep breath, and held it for a few seconds before letting go. “It was fine. Everything was fine.”

“It tasted okay?”

He looked towards the table, where the cold dinner still sat, untouched. “It was wonderful.”

He heard a relieved sigh, before Jun said, “that’s good. So I’ll see you at the studio tomorrow?”

“Jun... before I came back into the picture, was Aiba happy?”

“Why?” Jun sounded confused, but took his time to answer seriously. “I guess he was happy, in his own way. Or the only way he knew to be.”

“You took good care of him?”

“I guess we all did... is something wrong?”

“No, it’s nothing. I’ll see you at the studio tomorrow.” He hung up before Jun could reply, and turned around to look out of the glass door he had been leaning against. The lights still looked the same, even though years had passed. It was only feelings, and the situation, that grew more complicated. 

He thought about high school, sleepovers at Nino’s, stargazing through Nino’s telescope while Nino explained what he was looking at. Being tempted to turn his gaze to the window from the house on the opposite site of the street instead, because within that house was a star that shone brighter than anything else he’d seen. 

There were no stars to be seen that night; only bright neons and red lights blinking to a melancholy beat. There were no songs being strummed lightly on Nino’s guitar; instead there were sounds of cars passing by, and the chatter of pedestrians from the street below. 

Yes, he thought, taking a deep breath as he strengthened his resolve, he still felt the same as he did all those years ago, eyes locking on Aiba’s for the first time, over Nino’s shoulder. It was the same, and at the same time, it was different.

It was no longer about loving or not loving, being together or not being together. He had been thinking of himself, as he always did. _He_ had to work hard for Aiba, _he_ had to sacrifice this or that, _he_ tried to control everything too much to the point where he ended up losing it all. But what he wanted and what Aiba wanted were different things, and then there were things that were good for them in comparison to things that was good for the band. RedShift and Aiba would always come first, and perhaps in this case loving Aiba meant letting go, and allowing Aiba to be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> The first fic I wrote in this series, Red Shift, was written for Shida who's an Aiba fan, which is why it's Aiba-centric. This one-shot is also for Shida, who then requested a Sho POV.


End file.
